Ma, how could you be going through a midlife crisis?
What are you going to do? Live to a hundred and thirty?
Enough already with getting a job.
Ma, the bakery didn't fire you because you were a woman,
they fired you because you ate like a pig.
Now she's insulted.
Maggie, don't forget, you have an appointment with Mr. Anthony at the Chatterbox
to get your hair done this afternoon. / Oh, is he really good?
All the girls at Haley's sweet sixteen are just gonna hate your guts.
I love you, Fran.
Oh, really, Miss Fine, is a sweet sixteen party just about making your friends hate your guts?
Yes!
Hello, hello.
Cee Cee, tell me, did you have one of these sweet sixteens?
Oh, please, all those little snot noses trying to outdo each other.
I didn't want one.
No friends? / None.
Niles, my eggs are all dried up. / The gene pool is saved.
Oh, well, fasten your seat belts, kids. We're about to enter the silicone valley.
What are all these women doing here? / Your father's holding auditions.
I told him not to cast this role until after school.
Oh, if they've danced already, there's going to be hell to pay.
Come on, Maggie, we gotta go to the Chatterbox to get your hair done.
Oh, um, let me just go change out of my uniform. / Oh, all right, but hurry up
because nobody has ever kept Mr. Anthony waiting,
except Susan Powter. Need I say more?
Excuse me? Can you break a twenty? The cab driver's holding on to it until I can get --
change.
Well, it doesn't matter. This part is mine. / Oh ...
Blue is my lucky color. Look, the entire house is done in blue.
Honey, honey ...
Bummer.
Well, it still doesn't matter. What do they have that I don't have?
These are prescription, right?
Are you here for the tall, voluptuous show girl, 18 to 25?
Oh, your eyes are fine.
No, I'm not auditioning. / So you must be one of the producers.
Better. The nanny.
Let me look at your resume. Maybe I can give you a few pointers.
Um, Mary Ruth, well, that's gotta go.
You need more experience. / I don't have any.
Well, I'll take care of that cause, you know, Mr. Sheffield only hires the most accomplished actresss.
Now, is "Baywatch" one word or two?
Hau -- oh, my stomach is in knots -- hau.
My acting teacher always says when you get really nervous -- hau --
just imagine all the people you're auditioning for naked.
Well, picture her because I've seen him. And trust me, that's not gonna calm you down.
Thank you, babe.
Shall a leave a picture? / Ha, ha, ha.
Wow! That went so much better than my last audition.
Honey, how much are you paying this acting teacher?
Nothing. We were living together until he threw me out for an actress with more talent.
So now I have no place to live, no job,
nowhere to go, and no means of support. But I can't complain.
You're not Jewish, are you?
Listen, I'm on my way to the Chatterbox salon, and someone told me that they need a new shampoo girl.
Well, that sounds perfect.
Let me see your resume
cause, you know, Mr. Anthony only hires people from the most exclusive salons.
Now is Super Cuts one word or two?
Chatterbox, Claude speaking.
What do you mean she's canceling her four o'clock with Mr. Anthony?
You can't cancel with Mr. Anthony without a 48-hour notice.
Well, when did she die?
Hello?
What's new, pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Rauuu!
What's new, pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come over here.
I'm very satisfied.
Ma, what do you think you're doing?
It's my turn to tip.
Don't worry, Sylvia. I still got plenty of room on this side.
Oh, Mr. Anthony, I'm a married woman.
Come here.
Like a ripe cantelope.
You bruise it, you bought it.
Now, remember what I told you. When I introduce you to Mr. Anthony, picture him naked.
But I'm not nervous. / So what?
Mr. Anthony, your 3:30 is here. / Hey, Franny, ohhh,
look at that body, look at that shape. / Oh, Mr. Anthony ...
No one conditions like you.
Thanks. This is Maggie. / Hi.
She's invited to her first sweet sixteen party.
Oh, you're sixteen; you're beautiful,
and you're mine.
I made that up.
So would you like to slip into something a little more comfortable?
Okay.
Claude will get you a smock.
You know, Claude has styled a lot of celebrities.
He's the one that told Jerry Lewis more oil.
Oh, a natural blond. Well, now there's two of us.
Honey, honey, come here, come here.
Oh, Mr. Anthony, this is Mary Ruth, your new shampoo girl.
Oh, not so fast. I just don't hire anyone off the street.
Let me see your resume.
Oh, Super Cuts.
What -- what are you staring at?
Nothing. I was just picture you nake --
before we start, I think it's only fair to warn you that I am first and foremost an actress.
And at any moment, I may get a lead on Broadway,
or Merv Griffin could call and want a game show hostess, and it could all happen so quickly.
In show business, they needed you yesterday.
Do you sweep? / Yes. /You're hired./ Bless you, Mr. Anthony.
You know, Yetta, Maggie is going to a sweet sixteen at the Statue of Liberty.
Big deal, I had mine on Ellis Island.
So many people came.
Yetta, you were in quarantine.
I thought it went on a little long.
Okay, Sylvia. You're all done.
Thank you, Kim.
Ah, how long should I wait before I eat?
Oh, about four years.
I tell you, I'm going to love working here.
What do you mean? / I took a really good interview with Mr. Anthony.
Oh, you're the one that told me Mr. Anthony was looking for a new shampoo girl.
Yeah. Why? / Nothing.
I am practically a shoe in. The only other person who applied is Estelle ...
But he wants somebody young.
You know, Ma, I don't think it's such a good idea
you working here and handling all those permanent wave fumes.
Oh, I love them fumes. Gives me a nice buzz.
Besides, Ma, daddy doesn't want you to work. Who's going to feed him lunch?
What? He can't add water to the Top Ramen himself?
Yeah. But if you're not there to stop him, he's just gonna keep eating.
Remember Uncle Aaron --may he rest in peace -- he exploded that Chanukah.
The doctor said it was a freak occurrence. / Yeah.
You can't eat 32 latkas and sit that close to a menorah.
Meanwhile, where was Aunt Polly?
At work. / Ohhhh ...
Oh, you're right. I'm being selfish.
I have to sacrifice my career for my man.
Oh, Ma, you're doing the right thing.
Thank you, Fran. I got the job with Mr. Anthony.
Ow! Ma, stop pinching me.
This is my best nail I ever paint.
This is my country.
That's my sister.
That's her husband.
And that's the cat.
It's amazing you can paint with so much detail. / Meanwhile, I'm going blind.
Ahhhhhh! / What was that?
Calm down. Just bikini wax.
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
Your heart sweats, oh, your body shakes.
Yeah. You're mine.
Meanwhile, what you staring at? Like I don't know.
Please, he's not my type. I don't go for that dark wavy hair, blue eyes --
what is that -- a 30-inch waist? / 29, long.
So, how was your first day? / Long -- hard -- good. Bye.
Did you sweep? / Yes.
Good. Then, you can go home. / Great.
Do you know a nice hotel around here or maybe a shelter?
I don't really know Queens. / Well, now you know one. Charmed.
Well, ah, I'll tell you what. Until you get back on your feet, you can stay in the back room.
It's not really fit for a human being. Oh, and when my mother comes, you've gotta get out.
Thank you, Mr. Anthony. Kim, he's so sweet. He's letting me stay in the back room.
Oh, good. It was going to be employee lounge, but this much better, you deserve it.
Oh, yeah? Well, come over here and say that.
Geez, it was just an expression.
Come meet new shampoo girl, Mary Ruth.
Mary Ruth, this is Mr. Anthony's son Mimo.
I didn't know Mr. Anthony had a son.
Sure. This is Mimo's class picture.
Only one without a tie.
Ah, excuse me. I couldn't help but notice,
you have a little blood gushing out of the side of your head.
Look, lady, I'm 13, I live in New York, and my father owns a beauty parlor.
This is not an uncommon thing.
You poor kid. / Lady, I'm all right, really.
Well, let me take care of that for you. / Okay.
You know, the head bleeds the most. It's something about the capillaries being close to the --
oh, I'm getting a little queasy. I'm not that good with blood.
Mimo -- / Huh?
Swear you won't let my dress fall over my head.
Well, she fits in perfectly. Another fruit loop for the bowl.
Mimo, who were you fighting with? Was it that Glen Chamoff bully again?
I have a good mind to teach that boy a lesson if he wasn't so big for his age.
Hey, you be nice. His mother good customer, nice lady. I see her tomorrow.
I'll give her fungus.
There's gotta be a Band-Aid around here somewhere.
Oh, no, no, no, just stay out of there. It's private. Okay? Just stay out of there.
I'm not interested in anything in this drawer except for a Band-Aid.
Oh, what's this? / Give me that.
Okay. I'm sorry. I'll mind my own business.
That's Mimo's mother. / Really?
She's very pretty. Someone should --should fix the glass and put her out.
Oh, please, that will happen the day the NFL asks me to play tight end.
She break Mr. Anthony's heart. And when she left him, he punched out the glass.
Oh, not to mention the mailbox, the dumpster. / Sister Mary Margaret.
Well, that was an accident. / Oh, boy, she went down like a ton of bricks.
It's not unusual to be loved by anyone ... / Bah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone ... / Bah, bah, bah, bah.
When I see you, I could do -- wait --
where'd you get that? / Out of the drawer.
Mimo? / Hey, it's a junk drawer. I don't know how it got in there.
Mimo?
Hey, this isn't "Les Miserables." Get back to work.
You know, it's so obvious what's going on here. / Yeah. You're about to get fired.
No, no, no, no, no. All these years that you have been hating her, he has been missing her.
I'm guessing you're one of those girls that's got a real urge to reach out to people?
Yep. / Fight that. Now, let's put this back where it belongs.
I should have hired Sylvia. I would have gotten a little peace and quiet around here.
My own daughter betrayed me. Now I know how Nancy Reagan felt.
Ma, I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Marry Mr. Sheffield.
Ma, you're insane. It's a good thing I take after grandma Yetta. Oy!
I have no career. All my life I've been somebody's daughter, somebody's wife, somebody's mother.
Who the hell am I?
Miss Fine! / Next.
I was strolling along Lexington Avenue with my lawyer
when he nudges me to check out the -- and I quote -- "hot brunette."
Oh, that's impossible. I was on Fifth.
Not you, Miss Fine. My 15-year-old daughter's wearing a wig that makes her look 25.
25? Cool.
Hey, do I look old enough to get into a club?
Sure. And we haven't even put the lashes on yet.
Which we are not going to do because you're just a little girl.
Now, get upstairs and make your daddy a cupcake in your Easy Bake oven.
Miss Fine, whatever possessed you?
Well, every girl should experiment with her look.
When I was her age, I dyed my hair red just like Ruda Lenska.
Oh, within two days I was -- oh, that wig is definitely going back.
Don't you worry. They'll give us a full refund at the Chatterbox.
I'm like family there.
Fran who?
Nope. No returns. No refunds.
Sorry, dear, tears don't work on me.
Neither does that.
Well, that might work if I close my eyes.
Hey, watch it, you're drowning me.
You never washed someone else's hair before? / Actually, this was my first time.
Oh, then you're pretty good.
Hey, Claude, give me some big hair. I got my nephew's bar mitzvah tomorrow.
I really want to pop.
You're Jewish? / Nope. I married one.
They make good husband. No cheat, no drink, and every Sunday night,
he in the mood for Chinese.
Look what I did for Mimo.
Oh, you take picture of mother out of garbage and fix it.
Very good.
We got employee lounge back.
Poor, Mr. Anthony, all that anger is just because he's lonely.
Sure he tries to hide it. / Oh, yes. Tonight he's hiding it with Bernice.
He's seeing someone? Well, you know what they say.
All the good ones are either married or seeing someone or ...
I think it's just those two things they say.
So what's she like? / Who? Bernice?
Oh, she very smart girl, two brains.
See, now that is classic.
He's avoiding a serious relationship because he doesn't want to get hurt again.
I wonder how much a pair of brains like that cost?
My darling, if you want to work here, let me give you a little advice.
Stay out of Mr. Anthony's private life.
Look, I am not afraid of Mr. Anthony. He has got to start putting his son's needs ahead of his own.
And I will tell him that right to his face. / What's that?
Pier One is having a two for one frame sale. And I thought Mimo would like the frame of equal or lesser value.
You know, when you alphabetized my styling mousses, I said,
all right; she's eager.
When you convinced Mrs. Wilk to cut her hair short so she wouldn't have to come back for six months,
I said, all right, she's stupid.
But when you interfere in my personal life against direct orders,
I say, all right, she's fired!
You know, when a guy punches out a picture of his wife, I say all right, he's in pain.
When he throws that picture into the trash, I say, all right, he's in denial.
But when he fires the one person who is just trying to bring him and his son closer together,
I say, please don't fire me, Mr. Anthony.
How many times do I have to tell you? Nobody wants this picture.
I do.
See. I told you.
And close. This is none of your business.
And if you're gonna pretend to cut her hair over there would you at least put some scissors in your hand.
Mimo, what do you need this picture for?
I don't know. I -- well, just in case she ever came back,
I guess I'd know what she looked like.
Well, then you should keep it because she's your mother.
Do you mind? I know how to talk to my kid.
Then you should keep it because she was your mother.
And just for the record, ah, she walked out on me, not you.
Ohhh!
Oh, this is a real Kodak moment.
Okay, smile.
There, now you look like my little girl again.
I'm not going. No guys will be the least bit interested in me.
Good. Then you'll have no problem being home by 10:00.
Come on, Margaret, no boy in his right mind would be the least bit attracted to that ridiculous wig ...
Oh, Miss Fine, look at you.
Well, they wouldn't take it back, and I didn't want it to go to waste.
Are you sure you don't want to go out for ice cream?
Huh? Who said that? Oh, Niles, we're going out for ice cream.
Oh, I thought you were exhausted, sir.
I drew you a bath in the Jacuzzi with eucalyptus oil and a snifter of brandy.
Well, I've got a second wind. I'll go hail a cab.
Well, wouldn't want it to go to waste.
Well, can you believe that he's going. Two minutes ago, he was dead to the world.
One look at this wig and he's ready for a double dip.
I tell you, I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.
Look, what do you say we take in a movie as well?
Flattered it is.